Blitzen’s Horns: I’m Baaack!

Hey 2020, (insert Joey Tribbiani voice) how you doin?

It’s been great having the last 10 months to myself in my stable, but now it’s getting old. I’m tired of sitting at home just me my hooves and my antlers, there’s only so many times in a day amirite? I mean, it’s not even mating season out there yet. Yeesh.

I feel like a lot of you others when I say, EFF this; it’s time to play! I gotta get out deer and hit someone. I gotta pull some flags, I gotta catch something other than Covid this season. So excited that we’re finally back and I finally have a job again. This is gonna be great.

When I looked at the schedule and saw the Scoregasms and Shake n’Bake (formerly known as Carnage) as the first game of 2020, I got a tiny tingle in my white tail. A former champion versus a team that likes to lose in championships!? I was salivating at the expectations, and I was right. The BLITZ GAME OF THE WEEK (BGOW) was the first one! Travis Tripodi scored the first TD of the game and of the year on their first drive for the Scoregasms and they didn’t look back. They went up 13 points at the half and extended their lead with another Tripodi TD before Shake n’Bake woke up. Chris Rocker got them on the board followed by Dave Martel which was sandwiched around a Mike Aronian TD for the Scoregasms. Instense right? Ok so now fast forward a bit to find QB Dane Schindler hooking up with Rocker again to pull six points as the clock was winding down. So what do you do when you don’t have any timeouts, any time left on the clock and wanna win? You use your money ball on opening day of course! Craziness I know. Schindler dropped back, scrambled a bit, some stuff happened, some more stuff happened and thenl WR Jason Grace took a backwards lateral and then launched an up for grabs missile towards the endzone. Fortunately for Scoregasms fans, it was batted down amongst a sea of dusty carcasses laying on the ground. Final score, 26-20. Rebranded Carnage leaves opening day the way they left last seasons championship…with an L. Ouch, sorry guys maybe a little more shake and not so much bake…Austin.

If it wasn’t for that intense opening game that wore me out of excitement, this game would’ve been the #BGOW. Literally back and forth the whole game. George Notini went all Randy Moss over Jay Smooth who’s vertical looked worse than Jimmy’s trying to avoid a mouse scurrying across his feet while making his way to the fridge at midnight. ROD’s Michael Vinagro then got stiff thinking about TD’s so he decided to use his stiffy to get into the endzone to tie it up. Notini over Smooth again (why you mad bro?), followed by Jamaal Woods broken coverage TD to tie it again. Raiders rookie QB then made like Dan Orlovsky and stepped out of the back of the endzone to give ROD their first lead of the season. Woods scored again, then rookie Jack Mahoney followed for the Raiders with his first career TD only to be followed by Mr. Stiffy Vinagro to close the half. Yes…it’s only halftime. Remember when I roasted that Jay Smooth dude in the fist half? Well he did too. He got revenge and dominated the second half. Smooth scored two deep TD’s and blanketed Notini in the entire second half to shut him down. ROD ended up victorious despite a Mike Howe TD to pull within a point with three minutes to play. Rage of Doom pulls out it’s first franchise victory and shuts down the reigning B champs, 40-33.

Flagnado was moving and grooving this offseason. Made some big moves, got some flashy shirts. Then..their QB got hurt..again. It’s like the Madden curse at this point with that jersey on. To make a long game short, the Vinegar Strokes had their way with Flagnado at 9:40. Chuckie Keenan who is an upcoming star came up big in this one. Making highlight reel catch after highlight reel catch. He got into the endzone twice in this, giving him twice as many TD’s as Flagnado scored this whole game. Keenan led the team in receptions but not in touchdowns as Sean Marrero visited the cheerleaders not once, not twice but thrice times. A beat up strokes team beat up on a beat up Flagnado team in convincing fashion, 31-6.

Hey the Phantoms have some cool jerseys…long pause…aaaand that’s about it. The Toads despite Garrett Nelson‘s best efforts were able to shut down a new look Phantoms team who surprisingly almost came back, thanks to Garrett’s quirkiness. Jay Davis scored three TD’s for the losers in this one as Ben Glassman added a pair himself (one on O and one on D). The Toads win opening day 42-26.

So not only did the Battletoads beat the Phantoms, they then had to play immediately right after. This time against Rampage, who is looking hungry for that belt. Almost as hungry as me after a ten month hibernation in the cave, but also as rusty as me typing with these hooves after ten months off from a keyboard. So rusty in fact that the Toads hopped out to a 25-7 lead at the break. Then, the Nelson effect took over. Andrew Duvall scored a leaping TD. Then some words were exchanged. Then Duvall scored again. Then a lot of words were exchanged. Then before we knew it, the Toads tried to take a knee to end it when suddenly an outlandish timeout call from the offensive sideline caused a clipboard to go spinning into the air like a boomerang, a beer can getting propelled and lodging itself into a tree and finally a last ditch hail mary only to be played out out of principle. Despite the Nelson effect, the Toads hang on again, 31-21.

The final game of the day saw the Shotgunnaz (which btw, we get it, you shotgun beers but come on, I deliver presents but you don’t see me bragging about it all over my triple XL uniform). Anyways, Brendan Bernazzani is back after a four year hiatus in which he traveled the globe to find the knee that he lost back in 2013 against that fence post at Roby Park (some of you remember). What a difference a QB makes huh? The Shotgunnaz averaged 8 points a game last year and within the first two drives they had already eclipsed that times two. The Nightmare realized they were appropriately named after the final buzzer rang. They expected to win this one with ease and walk out with an W, not a nose that ended up shaped like an L. The Nightmare may not lead the league in wins this season, but they will most likely lead the league in most blood hidden under the grass. Shotgunnaz win a game that was a lot closer than it seemed 38-33.

So there we have it. A successful opening day all and all. It usually takes me time to take my shots and really get into full Burn Mode but you kind of havta ease the new guys in a bit. Would rather catch touchdowns than feelings.

Rest up out deer and stay safe. G’luck and Godspeed to all and to all a week one.

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