Dear Varsity 2021,

I watched week three in pain and agony. Not because I have an inoperable tumor the size of Santa’s sack, but because it was blowout city across the field.

Surprisingly one of the best games of the day was between two teams that have zero wins combined. The Phantoms played good enough to comeback and win. The Nightmare played good enough to comeback and win. The Phantoms played poor enough to give up the lead at the end. The Nightmare played poor enough to give up the lead at the end. It was almost like, neither of the teams wanted to win. You go ahead, no you go ahead, are you sure? Yea, I’m sure. Wait actually, I changed my mind, you guys win. Wow thanks but I don’t really want to anymore.

The Raiders finally had their whole team there for their matchup against the Scoregasms. They really put a hurting on the Scoregasms defense as they were only able to get one measly stop the whole game. The only stop they got was because of a “petty” but very real and unbiased penalty on the Raiders to stop them just that one singular time. The Raiders need to keep this, “the whole world hates us” mantra going because it’s really working for them, it looks good on ’em actually. Without the Rage this session, the other teams need someone else to hate and root against so there you go. Go Rrrrraidersss (Jon Gruden voice).

The Scoregasms played a doubleheader against the Raiders first and then the Vikings. These aren’t the same Vikings that we have seen every year since 2013. I bet these Vikings don’t even remember that phantom push-off call on Nate Forsaith that won the Scoregasms their lone championship back in 2013. the Scoregasms even remember that still? If they did, they might’ve played with a little more varacity to prove that they would’ve won that game without that penalty. Of course, they were all in their early 20’s and about 25-50 lighter back then. We all old now. Heck I was just a two year old fawn grazing on grass at Fairgrounds elementary school.

Just six short months ago, Flagnado was the overall number one seed in the league and Shake n’ Bake was playing against them in the conference finals to see who face off against the Rage in the finals. Shake n’ Bake won by eight points and haulted that seven game win streak. Since then, Flagnado has become unraveled. Winless in their last four games and have become a cushy and languid matchup for opponents. Hello (I poke with a stick), Rookie of the year and Defensive Player of the year…are you there?

Battletoads and Legion of Doom. One team captain started the trash talk Facebook forum, and the the other team runs it. Like runs it runs it. Puts everyone down and in their place. Bam boom dead; finish him. No love lost in this one, as after every play, we heard “you can’t do that,” or “it’s a football play,” or my personal favorite, “it’s flag with contact, not a penalty.” LOD should be smoking teams as half of the defending champs but they like to toy around with everyone to get in their heads. Or they like to tease the refs to see exactly what they can get away with each game. They’re playing chess in 3021 while the rest of the league is playing…checkers flag football in 2021.

Is Raw Talent for real? I’m serious on this one. They are beating up on everyone, literally and figuratively. They squeaked by Nightmare on opening day in their first game in three seasons. Then they done blowed out the Spartans, Take Over and Shotgunnaz. They took a few sessions off, come back with practically the same roster and then bam.. they’re good? What they’re doing right now is pretty unreal. Perhaps they belong in the A’s afterall. Wait; sorry about that. I just looked at their opponents. All four of the teams they played have four wins combined. Ouch, I guess the jury is still out after all. They could be for real doe, who knows. Let’s see if the carriage turns back to a pumpkin in the next couple weeks.

The Spartans and Take Over were the second to last game of the week. The Spartans finally had their “full” roster but it was more like their “Bull” roster. The new guys totaled 60+ yards of penalties for bullrushing, tackling and simple rule violations. It’s a big switch going from real football to flag, I get it, but the word “Flag” is in the title of the sport; Flag Football so even without knowing the rules, one would think to grab the Flag. It’s cool though, as long as no one cares just keep on learning and developing nice and slow. The good thing about the Spartans have taught us so far, is they are the reason for the saying, “nice guys finish last.”

A pair of undefeated squads ended the day on week three. The Tribe took on America’s Children who’s style of backyard, disorganized football really threw an axe into the collective teepee of the Tribe at first. Once the Tribe realized they’re an A team in the witness protection program known as the B’s, they took the game over. I thought Santa was the best gift giver in all of the land, however Tribe rusher, Edwin Rodriguez proved ’twas him. He single handedly gave the Children fifth and sixth downs thanks to his rushing style. Hey, it wasn’t a bad thing though because he racked up three sacks with ease. Gotta push em’ back only to pull em forward and back again. He was literally yo-yo’ing (toying) with the Children offense. Me thinks he was just excited to get more rushes in for more sacks to be had.

That’ll do it from here for week three. I look forward to seeing the final week of conference matchups before the real season begins. Time to go, gonna go drink ’til I can’t feel feelings anymore.

‘Til next week, G’luck and godspeed to all you Blitzers out there.

with love,

“don’t be offended, I’m just a fictitious reindeer with a keyboard”

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