Preseason Predictions

Dear Blitzers,

It is that time of year again that I, sir Blitzen write to you about what I feel to be true for the upcoming season.

Of course we all know this is hyperbole until I get a chance to glance at the rosters but let’s give a shot and get into some people’s feelings.

Here are my Preseason Rankings:

  1. Rampage: I mean how can I not? They’re the defending champs and they loaded up with a couple more studs to make their depth even deeper. Yes they lost half of their iron curtain offensive line to the enemy but they also signed half of the other undefeated team last season. So we’ll see how this experiment turns out. My prediction: 5-2, lose in semi finals.
  2. Rage of Doom: They’re back. LOD has solved their attendance issues from a season ago and teamed back up with the defending FALL champions. You know they come fully loaded as per usual, but my main concern is if everyone will be able to make all the games to build that chemistry they need for a deep playoff run. Actually, who am I kidding. They don’t need chemistry, they’re a brickhouse every season. My prediction: 6-1, they make it to the championship game where we will flip a coin to see who wins.
  3. Raiders: The team that lost in the championship in the Spring is of course reuniting and getting all their pieces back from last fall. As the legend is told, the Raiders since their inception have continued to go one round further each and every season. Yes I know. I say that literally every single year, but how can I not when it keeps coming true? Raiders are a destined for greatness, I predict them to go 4-3 sneak into the a low seed in the playoffs, then blow everyone away. Raiders face off against Rage of Doom in the championship.
  4. Shake n’ Bake: You guys upset you aren’t a top three team? Honestly, me too. Every year, I predict you to go to the championship and finally overtake these bums but you keep letting me down. You are loaded with talent and you’re all a bunch of good dudes but something happens in the playoffs, I don’t get it. It’s like you’re me in headlights. I predict you guys roll through the regular season with a 6-1 record but then lose in the semifinals…again. Sorry.
  5. Vikings: I’m gonna be 100% honest with you no jokes and no sarcastic comments…the Vikings are washed. There. I said it. No one else has the hutzpah to say it but I’m here to puff my chest out and be the one to say it. The sackmaster has retired, the Moss man has blown out his legs enough times to donate his knee cartilage to science, and their best defender is still licking his chest hole from the constant stiff arms that are being inserted there. If I’m wrong and they prove me wrong, I will delete this comment like it never happened but maybe this will light some fire in them and I’ll go into hibernation looking like a fool. I predict the Vikings go 3-4 and get bounced in the first round of the playoffs.
  6. Scoregasms: Original six rejuvenation. They have the top QB and WR statistically in Blitz history. They have added another statistical nightmare and a former MVP runner-up and rookie of the year. Is this Scoregasms Laker-like strategy gonna pay off? I guess we will see, but I predict them to be a solid 5-2 (yea five wins) and then be a tough out upset favorite for the playoffs.
  7. Tribe: This team belonged in the A’s last year and are finally there now. They had a couple stinkers due to attendance issues but they have all the talent in the world to compete and work their way to a top three squad. Championship aspirations? Perhaps but I don’t think they’re there quite yet. I predict 3-4 but they make it to the A playoffs and upset a top seed. Ya’heard.
  8. Nightmare: It’s finally time to see what these guys can do. After two strong seasons in the B’s, they’re finally gonna show off and let the sharks in the water fight for supremacy. They also loaded up and grabbed a couple studs from the Free Agent pool but the biggest question is, will it be enough to compete with the top A teams and their fully loaded baked potato squads. Nightmare has a tough inaugural season in the A’s, I predict them to go 1-6 and get relegated to the B’s only to win the B’s and work their way back up the A bracket playoffs.

That’ll due for now. As King of the B’s, I have too many new teams and new faces to sort through. Sure there are some powerhouse B teams that probably belong in A’s but rules are rules. Newbies start in B’s and work their way out. You must prove it to me, King B(litzen) that you are not worthy of playing in my conference. In closing, I will be taking over the Vegas Rankings this year and making them my own; enjoy.

peace and reindeer poo,


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