Deary Varsity Blitzers,
Week two.
One of my favorite week’s because I can call the 1972 Dolphins and tell them to pop the champagne cuz a bunch of the “undefeated” teams will have a blemish on their record.
The early morning game this week was America’s Children and the New England Nightmare. For the first time in Blitz history, a team won the game twice! That’s right two times in a row, two plays in a row America’s Children jammed the dagger into the coffin of the Nightmare. Must be tough to be the Nightmare to win every game and then find new and fun ways to lose every game. Sounds like a bad dream to me.
Another early morning matchup saw Rampage and the Raiders. This reindeer thinks this very well could’ve been a championship preview. This could’ve been a hell of a game if it wasn’t for Rampage QB, Junior Teixeira. If he didn’t throw the ball deep on every play to start the game off, it could’ve been different. Dang rulebooks and their stupid rules amirite? This game was surprisingly closer than one would think…if only there weren’t fireworks barreling down from the earth’s atmosphere ruining the field we might’ve gotten to see it play out.
Flagnado Battletoads is a good one. Oh wait..no it’s not. If you wanna see disorganization and overtime, then this is the game for you. Flagnado had it won then all I had was one simple request. To have sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their heads. Now I’ve been told that couldn’t be done, so we settled for frickin laser beams attached to the arms of quarterbacks instead. These guys just like breaking fingers and faces of receivers. Way to go Toads, you got an overtime victory surviving a Flagnadodrizzle.
I think Legion of Doom might have this whole regular season thing figured out. Don’t show up 100 for big games and then the opponent will never know what you havta offer. The classic Belichick. Don’t show your cards too early and then they can’t gameplan against you. We see you LOD. We know what you’re scheming. Your poor performance this week lulled Rampage into a false sense of security for next time. Good job, jokes on them.
The Vikings played on the road against Shake n’ Bake. The pandemic not only took a toll on the world as a whole, but it sure did a number to the Vikings franchise. Pre-pandemic these guys had five on offense and five on defense. They had a fully functional rotation, which is probably why they have had such a storied tenure. However, since 2019 when they get five guys to show up, it’s a victory within itself. I vote we make the league sign a petition for this version of the Vikings to rename themselves to the Lions and they sign LaFond. Reception records will be broken and hilarity will ensue. Who’s with me!?
We crapped all over the Shotgunnaz and the Phantoms last week. If they play each other and we rag on the losing team, who do we pick on? I say both of them. Shotgunnaz need some new jerseys cuz the light beer color lager they have on their chest has gone skunky and dark like a Guinness. The Phantoms jerseys and shirt combo is fire…but they’re offense is drowning. Poor Money Ball, it’s a shame to use it when you leave it on the Titanic.
The Raw Talent and Spartans game got…let’s just say chippy. Not the kind of chippy that we like when they all say “good game” afterwards but the kind that gets somebody cut or shivved. Shawn Lopes on the Spartans has more moves than a chessboard but without blockers, he’s using all his energy to get five yards. Not only did the Spartans lose the game, corner Rocco Froio lost his beautiful rookie lettuce. Raw Talent beat up on these guys for sure but they need to hop in the time machine and realize they’re playing against themselves when they first started out.
In Raw Talent’s second leg of their double header they took on Take Over. This game was Taken Over with Raw Talent and…depth. Take Over didn’t take anything in this one except maybe their unblemished record for granted. I love Take Over. When the pandemic first hit, I would get doordash for TakeOver every night. Wait…my sources are telling me that’s Take-out not Take Over. There’s a witty pun in there somewhere. Oh right! Take Out the trash Raw Talent; that’s where that thought was heading.
Now that we’re done here; onto week three where the games will still be in the conference matchups. Let’s hope for some good ones or some stinkers, either way I’m fine with it. Remember kids, you don’t win friends with salad.
‘Til next week, G’luck and godspeed to all you Blitzers out there.
with love,
Blitzen
“don’t be offended, I’m just a fictitious reindeer with a keyboard”
