BLITZEN’S HORNS: W1

Dear Varsity 2021,

I’m back. Back again. Blitzen’s back, tell some friends. Blitzen’s back Blitzen’s back Blitzen’s back…

Ok you get it.

What a weekend huh? Overtimes, Money balls, patchy grass…it’s almost like we never left.

The first game I saw the Nightmare look like they were actually going to be a “Nightmare” this session with the way they came out. Then I realized, they’re just playing “Raw Talent.” Burn. Oh right my bad… Raw Talent actually won this game. Yikes, yolks on me there. I would literally pay to watch these teams play every game. Not only we’re they Uber friendly with one another, both teams really seemed to like giving the ball to the other team. It was so kind and generous. That’s like the most deadass skinny thing I’ve ever seen.

Watching the Scoregasms play Flagnado is one of my favorite past times. It’s not only an annual occasion; I’m literally watching them get older every single game. When these teams both started they were a little past their playing prime, so after nine full years, what does that make them? The Scoregasms won this game this time around, but all I could see was the man pretending to be Tripod with a man bun and a bloody throat. I hope he signed a waiver this session because I’m pretty sure the way he dives head first for flags, that bun might get a stiffy itself.

The Rampage played the third game of the day against the Vikings. This isn’t your mothers Vikings team from ages ago. They are like fine wine now…aged in a cellar, beaten and stepped on ’til the juice is gone, then all that’s left is the pruney and wrinkled skins of the grapes in the bottom of the barrel. In this metaphor, the Rampage are the feet and the Vikings are the grapes, in case you didn’t get it…even though the Vikings kinda stunk like the feet that would be stepping on them in this scenario. Hmmm.. Blitzen confuses himself sometimes.

Back on track now. Who’s next to get the smoke? Oh The Raiders and Battletoads game. The Raiders won as everyone predicted but not without a “Battle” from the Toads. Get it? Har Har Har. Anyways, the Raiders used to wear black and be imposing and ferocious and scary; this season they don a new look…periwinkle blue. Is it just me or is there nothing more intimidating than a flower from the same family as lavender? My antlers are trembling in fear.

Now the big big boys, Shake n’ Bake and Legion of Doom. We saw some Shake and some bake. We saw some Liege and some Doom. This game was so bananas that it went into overtime and it never ended! That’s right, neverrrr. The game just couldn’t be stopped because Mel just kept saying, “you can’t stop me,” after every play. I may not be the most educated reindeer in the pole, but I think that means, the game is still going…or he’s still running on an empty field awaiting his next victim. Either way, heck of game from both squads. Can’t wait to see it again in the championship. Hot take.

Shotgunnaz versus Take Over was the next game. As I sit and type with these large oversize hooves, I think to myself, “I wonder if the Shotgunnaz will score more points this season than beers they drink during the game?” This is strictly based off of me seeing offensive lineman, “Pancakes” demolish a thirty rack on the sideline while his offense scored thirteen points. That’s a two to one ratio on opening day. Imagine what that will look like if this trend continues for the rest of the season! But then again, maybe it’s an opposing points against ratio; they gave up 28 and they pounded 30. If Take Over could’ve just completed that two point conversion at the end of the game, my theory would be correct. Be right back, I’m gonna go buy some stock in Bud Light and local stores liquor in the surrounding areas.

The second to last game was the new guys, Spartans and the old guys(?) America’s Men. The Spartans have some really cool jerseys and they were really well versed with the rulebook, as we can tell they studied really hard. The only issue they had on opening day was actually covering receivers as they left the same guy wide open for touchdowns the entire game. I mean, maybe it’s the leagues fault, because the rulebook didn’t say anything about how to cover. I joke I joke, I kid I kid, I’m sorry I can’t attack the new guys after one performance against a well seasoned team. But then again, maybe we can; you gotta knock em down to build em back up again. America’s Children will get back on track soon. Oh wait…I was talking about the Spartans. Oops; Freudian slip.

The finale was the Tribe and the Phantoms. The Tribe is a new team that has been trying to get in for a few seasons now and are finally here. Generally new teams have a hard time acclimating right away which is why they start in the B’s, but the “Tribe” didn’t have that issue. This looked like the Tribe was the Phantoms and the Phantoms were the…well Phantoms. The addition of a few Vinegar Strokes and a few tall guys, didn’t seem to help as the Phantoms kept on getting ghosted like Scooby Doo. Who’s under the mask Scoobs? Guy lifts mask. Underneath is the same team as last year. Maybe next week we can raise their Spirits. Get it? Think about it a bit. Spirits? Phantoms? Nobody? Okay fine, I hope that didn’t go over your head like a pass from John Freese. Boom. Roasted.

Blitzen is coming with the thunder this year so be prepared. I got you all on notice and you’ll be thinking about me in your sleep. Nothing like living rent free in your head, it’s a beautiful thing.

‘Til next week, G’luck and godspeed to all you Blitzers out there.